These verses are very convicting. Is my love for Brad becoming envious? (yes.) Is it becoming self-seeking? (yes.) This is earthly, sensual, and demonic. And I have to admit, my relationship with Brad has me confused very often. I need to replace these feelings with wisdom from above – pure, peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.

Out of my shameful failure and loss,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into the glorious gain of Thy cross,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of earth’s sorrows, into Thy balm,
Out of life’s storms and into Thy calm,
Out of distress to jubilant psalm,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of unrest and arrogant pride,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into Thy blessed will to abide,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of myself to dwell in Thy love,
Out of despair, into raptures above,
Upward for aye on wings like a dove,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

Out of the fear and dread of the tomb,
Jesus, I come, Jesus, I come;
Into the joy and light of Thy home,
Jesus, I come to Thee;
Out of the depths of ruin untold,
Into the peace of Thy sheltering fold,
Ever Thy glorious face to behold,
Jesus, I come to Thee.

A conversation with God on the way to church this morning. “I am becoming a jerk. I trample over people. I don’t think I care about anything. I don’t even think I care about You anymore. I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to be so lazy. I want to live for You, to choose You everyday, but I am too lazy to try anymore. I wish I could tell You i’ll try harder, but I won’t because I don’t want to try harder. What does this all mean then? What if I died right now? What does this mean for my future? I don’t want to be a church-going-lukewarm Christian, but that’s the track I’m on if I keep living this lazy life. God, I’ve not done enough this year for people. I am deeply regrettful of that. But what do I do to change it now, especially when I don’t want to invest still?”

At church, Pastor Drew yelling (literally) from the pulpit: “STEP UP! Chuck Swindoll has said that the American church is FULL of carnal Christians. And I see it invading our church. Why are you STILL DRINKING SILAMAC? You have been in this church for years, yet you’re not serving. Why are you STILL DRINKING SILAMAC? You have been a Christian for 13 years, but you’re still struggling with pornography. Why are you STILL DRINKING SILAMAC? Wake up and step up. I’m sick of people in this church just letting their flesh live in them. You are acting like baby Christians when you should be eating the meat.”

A prayer for the offering (thrown in toward the end of the prayer): “And Lord, if anyone is worried about their job for the future, if anyone has to make decisions coming up toward their future, toward their jobs, I pray that You would help them discern the right decision. That You would provide for their needs, and lead them to a job, and equip them to make the right decisions toward their future.”

I needed this Sunday so much. I walked to church expecting to go through the motions again, singing the same songs, getting the same weak message. Instead, God looked at my face. He spoke to me of who I am (who I can be) in Him through the song that we sung (lyrics above), woke me from my pastor yelling at me from the pulpit, and encouraged me to trust Him through specific prayers throughout the service. I wasn’t alone.

alright God, lets talk. i dont know who i am. and i dont know who You are. i cant think of ways/recognize ways in which i am different. ways in which i have been transformed and changed since last year. i cant identify them. and i dont know if that’s because my mind seems clogged, or if i really havent changed at all.

i honestly dont see how i could actively be pursuing You and not see any results. for one. whole. year. of course, my definition of pursuing You is trying to pray, at least a little every day (which, i admit, has been the most waning of my times with You), trying to memorize Scripture (recently meditating on it too. altho again, i seem to drop the ball), and reading the Bible. i know a walk with You is not formulated. but what else do i need to do? is it true that all of those things – done with a sincere heart of wanting to know You more – arent enough? to cause ANY growth or change?

pastor dave’s sermon today was timely and exactly what i needed to hear. change and transformation comes through sacrifice and love. and if that really is true, if that is the ONLY thing that causes true change in a person’s life, then i understand. i have lived quite selfishly here in korea. i think a lot of the reason why has to do with me being alone, and having insecurities and not wanting to appear needy. so i became independent of people. i convinced myself i didnt really need people to thrive. and here i find myself, 8 months later, a withered hermit shell. i cant see ways in which i have sacrificed for others to show them love. i can think of a few ways, but they are mostly out of obedience and committment than to a genuine love and heart for the people im going to. so, if all of that is what matters when it comes to change, and nothing else, then i understand.

but what i still can’t figure out is how i can be reading Your Word every day, trying to memorize it and think on it throughout the day, and STILL not seem to know what you are doing or recognize things about Your character any more than i could a year ago. am i the man who looks intently at a mirror and walks away and forgets what he looks like? admittedly, i think i am. but how does that tie in with who YOU are? maybe the two things go hand in hand: when i sacrifice, kill myself for people, and truly do it to love them, and because You love them, maybe then i will understand who You are more. everything i need to know, everything i need to DO is in Your Word…Your revealed truth. but do i just chalk up everything in the Bible to “love other people and then you will understand God more”? i mean, im not going to pretend that ill ever understand You. but will it seem more active? will i feel more alive? will i be able to hear Your voice again?

i just cant figure You out. and i cant hear You telling me, even though Your words stare me in the face. what is it that i am missing? oh God, i believe, please help me believe.

written 12.6.09

what the heck was i thinking? why did i ever commit to coming here for a year? i feel like someone should have put some sense into me. but, see, the thing is that i truly believe its God’s will for me to be here. but, i also believe that if i didnt come, He still would have worked, and taught me the stuff that im learning now. can’t He teach me this stuff no matter where i am? all i know is that im thinking i just should’ve stayed.

and i want a freaking hug from my freaking boyfriend. >:(

written 11.30.09

God is requiring me to love and make sacrifices in a way that will not be acknowledged by anyone else.

i cant hide anymore. and it makes me laugh and jump and sing and worship. i was just repenting of my laziness. i was in despair over my sin once again. knowingly wasting time and choosing not to follow through with committments. and right when i was praying and crying, eunice called. i started laughing when i saw it was her. here’s why:

we had a long talk at aXis on tuesday about how we both struggle with just staying in our apartments. thinking about how much effort it takes to leave. even to get groceries, go for a walk, etc. i shared everything that God was doing in me with her. and so when i knowingly skipped the prayer meeting for the missions trip (because i didnt feel like going anywhere) and was repenting over it (like an hour after i quenched the Spirit. i seriously was angry with myself over it but it was too late.) she called me. and i dont know if she knew or not what i was doing, but just the fact that she called meant so much to me. God takes care of me so well. even in ways that i dont want Him too, and dont ask Him to. He allowed me to open up to eunice with this struggle – one that she happens to share – and she holds me accountable with it, probably without even knowing it. it just spoke to me, that God puts people in my path for specific reasons, and when i open up and share my struggles with them, He uses them to speak to us even sometimes without them knowing.
it was also a reminder that God isnt going to just let me go. Hes not going to allow me to keep this up. He’s going to use eunice and use other friends to make me work harder. and this is worth rejoicing over.

written 9.15.09

God, i dont love. its so hard. i always thought it was pretty simple. i think when im surrounded by people, and i can just go off of my actions, its easy. bc it looks like i love people. but when im alone like this, i see my attitudes and thoughts, and i am face to face with how i dont love. its like my actions are just a facade. i dont think i desire anyone’s best interest above my own. i am so selfish.

i want attention. i want affirmation. i want encouragement. i cant get out of my head just how needy i am. and how sorry for me people should feel. bc im alone. but i dont encourage others. i dont affirm others. i dont look for ways to help. i dont pay attention to others. if i dont even do these little things, how could i expect to give my life for anyone? theres no way i would. ever. im sick.

written 9.18.09

humanity is disgusting, sinful, depraved, and going further and further down that path. we are decaying, not regenerating. however, though it seems the evil in this world often outshines the good, there are exceptions. we, humanity – as a whole. no one is excluded – are made in the image of God Almighty – the Holy One, Love Himself. Herein lies any hope we seek to gain. Even for those people who are not regenerated in this life, who are still in the clutches of Satan’s kingdom, there are glimpses. It is when humans show compassion to friends, to strangers by helping them. It is when normal people volunteer to feed hungry people, when ordinary individuals hold rallies and protests against injustice, to stamp out inhumane living conditions, when an acquaintance kisses the face of a despised and shunned person, that i see how we all are made in His image. A human could not rise above our fallenness to produce so much love and light on our own. It is purely because of the fact that God has made us in His likeness.

written 12.11.09

pride – if i realize im going the wrong way on the subway, i act like i have to go to the bathroom, and then look at the subway map in the stall. i will walk the entire length of the subway station, knowing im going the wrong way, than to just stop and turn around right away. trying to make myself unnoticed. not showing my emotions, or faking my emotions, especially in public or with other people.

insecurities – i feel frumpy, ugly, childish, when i walk the streets and see the women here. they are thinner, they are taller (because they all wear heels), they dress better, they are smarter. most of them are bilingual. i always feel self-conscious. i feel like i have no friends. i feel like i shouldnt have friends. i feel like a loser most of the time.

laziness – not working out. eating more than i need to. daily disciplines that i have let go of – doing my budget on-time. studying korean consistently. praying/memorizing Scripture more.

im just going to talk until it comes out. God has been showing me a bunch of sins in my life. big ones. He shows me one, but before i can fix it, He shows me another new, big one. before I can fix that one, He shows me another new, big one. so, since i cant deal with each one, but all are thrown at me at once, i retreat. i hole myself up and stay in the rut that ive been in.

everything else pretty much stems from this. all the surface things – problems with relationships here, apathy, whatever, come from this underlying thing.

another thing is that i feel like im too distracted to make much of a difference, or do much of anything. all i think about is returning to the states and seeing you. any motivation/passion/drive that once gripped my heart has been replaced by that. i have no passions. the things that once made my heart skip dont anymore. im living in another country. im overseas for a year – which is what i had been yearning for since i left the philippines, and had been wanting since i was 8. but the only thing i can think of is leaving. i dont understand. for once, i dont know why im here. i dont know where im going. i dont know what im doing. ive never been in that place before.

i have no more emotions. i feel like a shell of a person. im constantly scraped up. i dont remember the last time i felt joyful. i cant get it into my head that im living here for a year. i cant seem to dig my feet into the soil, and entangle myself in korea. because all i can think about is leaving. so im just going through the motions.

and i know what i need to do, but i dont know where to start.

written 1.21.10

Give me eyes to see the ones who need though they know they’re okay.
Give me a heart for the ones who are successful with carrying the world’s demands.
Give me a voice to speak to the ones who are deaf to hear the voice of One.
Give me hands to touch the feebly-fitted and scrawny necks that run the rat race.

It seems I only have senses for the hurt.
This truth-intrinsic peninsula seems too perfect to benefit from me.
But am i here to be useless?
Can i still be Your tool to the ones who are untrue to their true land?
Help me to find them, and to see them when I do.

and help me not to cascade further into the mines below this surface.
i never watch my step.

Lyndsey and I went to see Phantom of the Opera. In Korean.

Choua at church watching Korea in the World Cup.

Chris, one of my Evergreens during playtime.

Se Hyun and I during Gymboree.

Summer Bulletin Board

Reina, my Korean partner teacher, took me to Nanta: a comedic Korean cooking performance.

My Korean Class. Robert Teacher taught me Korean for 7 months.

Se Hyun and I. My last day alone with them.

Amy Oh, Se Hyun and I.

The boys (minus Chris). Justin, Lion, Brian Choi.

Chris always makes this silly face.

Lion. HIs eye is black and blue because he fell off his bike.

Korean kids are the BEST at making silly faces! Brian Choi and I.

Lion has a thing for messing up my hair lately.

Sharing snack. Amy's in this one too.

My classroom.

Evergreen Class

Busan beach with Kristin, and Teddy and Samantha Poore.

Everyone uses a tube, and almost everyone wears their full clothes in the water.

Samantha and Teddy

The beach.

We had a 3 hour train ride scrunched up on the floor like this.

At Kristin's school in Daejeon.

so worked up that i can hardly breathe. tears are streaming. i cant think. all i can do is close my eyes, curl into a ball, and ask God to help me. to help me make it through the next 21 days. not because it will be hard to make it. but because i know if He doesn’t help me, i WILL NOT make it through.
i try to find some human contact. someone to talk to while i’m feeling so down. sometimes i just fall asleep, sometimes time helps, sometimes i try to distract myself after 20 minutes of this heartache and hurt, but most of the time, i call home. ring…. ring…. ring…. ring…. ring….. ring…. ring…. ring…. ring…. in desperation, i put down my head. after 10 more rings, i hang up. no one answers. i call out, and no one hears me. i reach out but there is no hand to grasp. i cry out, but no one is here so i wipe my own tears.

the next morning i try to convince myself that i haven’t given up.

I think for a minute, and answer, “Yes. I have changed a lot.”

“How so?” is the response shot back at me.

I look up into the corner of the ceiling, a common trait I happen to share with my little sister, that I tend to do when contemplating something-anything. In a flash, this year – August 11, 2009, to today, July 18, 2010, not quite a year, but close enough – races through my mind. I think back to the state in which i came to Korea, and the different state I find myself in now.

“Well, I think about missions differently. I’m not sure what I think about missions anymore, nor if I’m still called to it – explicitly, or even just at all.” She echoes her agreement, and a few of the same sentiments, only with her own personal taint.

“I also have become more introverted.”

She smiles. “I think you’re still pretty extroverted and outgoing.”

I smile back. “See, I was when I came here. I committed to a lot of things, because my outgoing-ness from the States carried over, but then it was gone, as I adjusted to my new surroundings here. So, the only reason I kept doing those things, was because I had already committed to them. So I made myself go, even when I would rather just sit in my apartment. Even when it came to hanging out with people and building relationships. I never had to deal with that in the States. I never felt that way. Well, rarely.”

She nods her in understanding as I continue. “I see how important community is now, really. I mean, it was a common theme in my college-”

“Yeah, I thought it was. Didn’t you already value community because of you college?” she asks.

“Well, no. Not really. See, at my college, they were SO focused on “community” and “conversations” and we used to make fun of it. I mean, I was in a community, and I used to make fun of it with the girls I lived with. But now, when I’m without a community here, I see the value, and even necessity of it.”

After our conversation, after I threw the question back onto her, and then we are promptly passive-aggressively pushed out of the restaurant by the Korean waiter, I think more about how I have changed. I have also learned how to communicate. Being in a meaningful, mutually beneficial, long-distance relationship with someone kind of thrusts that lesson upon you, however unwanted. I have learned that, like it or not, I have to try to explain what I am thinking and feeling. I can’t sit and cry about how people don’t understand me, and how I am lonely, when to the people who care about me most – the ones who are trying to understand me – I am not letting in. I assume they won’t understand. I assume they don’t need my problems dumped on them too. I assume that if I tell him more of who I am, we are moving to fast, or he will reject me. But I came to the point here in Korea that I realized that these people are all I have (in one sense) and they love me enough to try. So I can too.

I’m not done. This same friend I shared breakfast with this morning challenged me to open the “packed full closet of my mind” and pull out a “box”, and organize it, or throw it out. Then the next day, pull out another box. To me, this sounded like unnecessary effort when I can exist in peace without dealing with anything. I was giving her advice on this very subject, and she turned it around on me. Again. So, as long as I take her advice over the next 26 days, I will have even more changes to write about soon.

16 Moreover the word of the LORD came to me, saying: 17 “Son of man, when the house of Israel dwelt in their own land, they defiled it by their own ways and deeds; to Me their way was like the uncleanness of a woman in her customary impurity. 18 Therefore I poured out My fury on them for the blood they had shed on the land, and for their idols with which they had defiled it. 19 So I scattered them among the nations, and they were dispersed throughout the countries; I judged them according to their ways and their deeds. 20 When they came to the nations, wherever they went, they profaned My holy name—when they said of them, ‘These are the people of the LORD, and yet they have gone out of His land.’ 21 But I had concern for My holy name, which the house of Israel had profaned among the nations wherever they went.
22 “Therefore say to the house of Israel, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD: “I do not do this for your sake, O house of Israel, but for My holy name’s sake, which you have profaned among the nations wherever you went. 23 And I will sanctify My great name, which has been profaned among the nations, which you have profaned in their midst; and the nations shall know that I am the LORD,” says the Lord GOD, “when I am hallowed in you before their eyes. 24 For I will take you from among the nations, gather you out of all countries, and bring you into your own land. 25 Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27 I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them. 28 Then you shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers; you shall be My people, and I will be your God. 29 I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses. I will call for the grain and multiply it, and bring no famine upon you. 30 And I will multiply the fruit of your trees and the increase of your fields, so that you need never again bear the reproach of famine among the nations. 31 Then you will remember your evil ways and your deeds that were not good; and you will loathe yourselves in your own sight, for your iniquities and your abominations. 32 Not for your sake do I do this,” says the Lord GOD, “let it be known to you. Be ashamed and confounded for your own ways, O house of Israel!”
33 ‘Thus says the Lord GOD: “On the day that I cleanse you from all your iniquities, I will also enable you to dwell in the cities, and the ruins shall be rebuilt. 34 The desolate land shall be tilled instead of lying desolate in the sight of all who pass by. 35 So they will say, ‘This land that was desolate has become like the garden of Eden; and the wasted, desolate, and ruined cities are now fortified and inhabited.’ 36 Then the nations which are left all around you shall know that I, the LORD, have rebuilt the ruined places and planted what was desolate. I, the LORD, have spoken it, and I will do it.”
37 ‘Thus says the Lord GOD: “I will also let the house of Israel inquire of Me to do this for them: I will increase their men like a flock. 38 Like a flock offered as holy sacrifices, like the flock at Jerusalem on its feast days, so shall the ruined cities be filled with flocks of men. Then they shall know that I am the LORD.”’”

I’ve been learning incredible amounts about God, and as I seek Him, He is revealing Himself to me more and more.

Here are pics from recent times around Seoul. Mostly of choir friends, and old college friends who are here. Enjoy!