More Oldies
written 4.11.10
alright God, lets talk. i dont know who i am. and i dont know who You are. i cant think of ways/recognize ways in which i am different. ways in which i have been transformed and changed since last year. i cant identify them. and i dont know if that’s because my mind seems clogged, or if i really havent changed at all.
i honestly dont see how i could actively be pursuing You and not see any results. for one. whole. year. of course, my definition of pursuing You is trying to pray, at least a little every day (which, i admit, has been the most waning of my times with You), trying to memorize Scripture (recently meditating on it too. altho again, i seem to drop the ball), and reading the Bible. i know a walk with You is not formulated. but what else do i need to do? is it true that all of those things – done with a sincere heart of wanting to know You more – arent enough? to cause ANY growth or change?
pastor dave’s sermon today was timely and exactly what i needed to hear. change and transformation comes through sacrifice and love. and if that really is true, if that is the ONLY thing that causes true change in a person’s life, then i understand. i have lived quite selfishly here in korea. i think a lot of the reason why has to do with me being alone, and having insecurities and not wanting to appear needy. so i became independent of people. i convinced myself i didnt really need people to thrive. and here i find myself, 8 months later, a withered hermit shell. i cant see ways in which i have sacrificed for others to show them love. i can think of a few ways, but they are mostly out of obedience and committment than to a genuine love and heart for the people im going to. so, if all of that is what matters when it comes to change, and nothing else, then i understand.
but what i still can’t figure out is how i can be reading Your Word every day, trying to memorize it and think on it throughout the day, and STILL not seem to know what you are doing or recognize things about Your character any more than i could a year ago. am i the man who looks intently at a mirror and walks away and forgets what he looks like? admittedly, i think i am. but how does that tie in with who YOU are? maybe the two things go hand in hand: when i sacrifice, kill myself for people, and truly do it to love them, and because You love them, maybe then i will understand who You are more. everything i need to know, everything i need to DO is in Your Word…Your revealed truth. but do i just chalk up everything in the Bible to “love other people and then you will understand God more”? i mean, im not going to pretend that ill ever understand You. but will it seem more active? will i feel more alive? will i be able to hear Your voice again?
i just cant figure You out. and i cant hear You telling me, even though Your words stare me in the face. what is it that i am missing? oh God, i believe, please help me believe.
written 12.6.09
what the heck was i thinking? why did i ever commit to coming here for a year? i feel like someone should have put some sense into me. but, see, the thing is that i truly believe its God’s will for me to be here. but, i also believe that if i didnt come, He still would have worked, and taught me the stuff that im learning now. can’t He teach me this stuff no matter where i am? all i know is that im thinking i just should’ve stayed.
and i want a freaking hug from my freaking boyfriend. >:(
written 11.30.09
God is requiring me to love and make sacrifices in a way that will not be acknowledged by anyone else.
